can we skip this whole “college” thing and go straight and go to the part where i have a really awesome job and spend all my time traveling?
Grandma. I am having a very hard time without you. It is hard to care about school, or anything, when I know that you are no longer here. I feel so hollow and unmotivated, every single time after I catch myself smiling, I feel guilty. How can I be smiling when you are dead? How does life just go on after such a catastrophic loss? I miss you so much that sometimes it’s hard to breathe, it’s hard to move, it’s hard to do anything but sit there and feel this overwhelming grief.
It’s going to be a month since you’ve died, in four days. This is the longest I’ve ever gone without talking to you, and it’s killing me. I saved all your voice mails, because I remembered hearing someone say that eventually you forget how someones voice sounded, and I don’t ever want to forget that. I think about the last time I saw you constantly, when I had already said goodbye, and I was walking out the door to your bedroom, and when I looked back at you, you blew me two kisses, and kept your hand up in the air for a few seconds. And it feels more like a goodbye now, but I remember thinking that you looked so peaceful.
I know you are at peace now, even though I don’t believe there’s anything after life, you are not suffering anymore, and that is all I wanted for you. I was always so afraid of you dying, because I didn’t understand how I could go on, and to be honest I don’t feel like I am surviving this life without you very well at all. I do not understand.
I miss you. I would give anything to touch you again. I love you, I love you so so much. Always.